Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
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Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.