Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
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“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
me as a parent
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy