Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
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STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Eat…
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother