He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
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My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.