Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
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I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring