boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
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He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭