Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
You Might Also Like
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself