“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
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I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
This is the one
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
This will teach them to underestimate me
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.