Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
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I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Did…did a minotaur write this
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.