No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
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Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.