no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
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America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.