BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
You Might Also Like
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Did I do this right
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
You are not alone 💚
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.