Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
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Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
when you are just born a rebel
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.