My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
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Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
[montage of me giving-up]
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.