[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
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Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
cry laughing at this shit
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.