For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
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Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
oh good, now I can stop drinking