There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
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Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.