God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
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just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
How can I say no to this ?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.