Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
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[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?