At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
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I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
adding to the discourse
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.