Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
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As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
[eats all your cotton candy]
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.