Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
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Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’