My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I love art.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.