I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
You Might Also Like
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Me too, bag. Me too….
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?