I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
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Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.