There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
You Might Also Like
all bases covered
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.