Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
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why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
it is time once again
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
How high do the levels go?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Boom, boom, ching!
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE