When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
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There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.