ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
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I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I have never related to a cat more
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄