I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
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Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I got soap in my shower beer again.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no