Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
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*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
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CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
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CW:…
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CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary