“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
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I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this