noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
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*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…