“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
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ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
You better watch out
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?