Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
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My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”