Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
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There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
titanic
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
And now we wait
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG