Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
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I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
just got my engagement photos
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200