I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
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My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius