[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
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Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Travel bloggers during quarantine
what’s the point then??
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”