I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
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Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
@ candidates for local office
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send