Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
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[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.