Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
You Might Also Like
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Stop sending me this shit.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.