Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
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Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved