Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
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I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
How it started: How it’s going:
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.