“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Alarms are for people without children or puppies