“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
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Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
My life in a nutshell
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.