It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
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[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
john wicks are toilet candles
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets