Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
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You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If only.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey