Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
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My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
much to think about
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up