[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
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Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*